The 1999 Darwin Awards.
For
those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards;
these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals
who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY
KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was found dead after he tried to
use.'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County,
Va., police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy was
scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED
ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July
holiday and apparently wanted to test fire some fireworks. Their only
real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were
atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for
miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were
found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T
ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a
lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed
for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his
aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread
his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET
ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two
passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. "Big deal" you
may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems
he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess
what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards
candidate).was hospitalized.
GIMME A
LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the
smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas.company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded,sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found
of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion
had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
THEY SAY
THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from South Korea who was
killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual walking
and talking when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his
neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
the same time.
AND THE
1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed
early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He
was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications
feed. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year,
according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke.
She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to
stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was
the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero
Fahrenheit (which also is forty below zero Celsius). Microwaves can heat
water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food
in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a
twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned
directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been
told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to
handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling
traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John
Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he
thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to
NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
HONORABLE
MENTION (He did not succeed in dying, but made a strong effort)
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (a zoo) with a
group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went
overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated
the effectiveness of Crazy Glue... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth
wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3
ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed
them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the
zoo for the thirteen years, was not startled initially, as it has been
part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once
it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began
to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an
unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well
lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative
and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.Demuth played his
juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's
tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of
small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and
oneduck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics
and zoo caretakers to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the
animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process
the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered
with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to
calm her down, while at the same time shield.our faces from being pelted
with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to
his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels
working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to
tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her
rear," said Douglass. I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy
Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused,
also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to
buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the
zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
ADDENDUM
-- (Not herself a Darwin Award candidate, but of note in our list of
stupid and morbid events)
CLEANER
POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient
dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the
Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There
was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the
air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection,
failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have
now revealed the cause of these deaths... It seems that every Friday
morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that
powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into
the vacant socket, then go about her business." "When she had
finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and
leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all,
hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her
polisher..." "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to
the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare
Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket so
there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now
closed." (Interview taken from the Cape Times newspaper). |